How I Let Go & Moved On From A Toxic Friendship

By Tom Benson

So, toxic friendships/relationships. This is a topic that I’ve wanted to write about for a while now, but I wanted enough time and distance from my own experience with this to be able to approach it from a slightly less emotional point of view and put it into proper perspective. I suppose part of that is down to the fact that for a long while during and after, I was in a huge state of denial about whether or not a particular friendship I had with someone was toxic or not. I was in a constant state of making excuses for how unhealthy it was. And a lot of that was because she was a girl that I liked and someone I came to care for a lot at one point.

I’ve eventually come around to writing this for a few reasons; I feel like I’m over this situation now, I wanted to get it off my chest a little and I also wanted to put something out there that I myself would’ve found useful to read at the time. I hope that if someone does read this and they’re struggling due to a similar sort of problem that they’re able to either make the difficult decision to end the friendship/relationship or set proper boundaries and move on from it in a positive way.

I cut things off with this girl a fair while back now, but I’ve struggled to talk about it with anyone outside of my closest friends due to the impact the whole situation actually had upon me over the course of several months. Apart from just this situation, there were also issues with work and other personal battles that actually left me in a position vulnerable enough to the point where I was left seeking validation wherever I could get it. I felt so negative about myself that everything that went on with this girl re-enforced how I was feeling at the time, making it a pretty dangerous and unhealthy mix. Seeing as things had taken such a bad turn, when me and this girl seemingly started to get along pretty well, I felt made up about it. We had a laugh with each other, but we seemed like we were able to talk about serious issues as well, which felt like like a good balance. But things very suddenly took a downward turn. Whenever we met up it’d follow a certain pattern, every single time without fail.

1. We’d meet up and she’d moan at me/belittle me and start things off in a negative way.
2. We’d then start to have a laugh and I’d enjoy spending time with her.
3. On the way back home waiting for the tram, she’d turn up the negative attitude towards me to the fullest. This would include insulting me or the time that we’d just spent together.
4. Just as I was planning in my head about how I was going to end the friendship, she’d start talking about the next time we were going to see each other and turn on the charm again. I’d step off the tram with my head all over the place.

It’s probably best to provide a few examples of the negative and abusive types of behaviour that I dealt with in this situation in order to give you an idea of how volatile it could get. She used to ignore my messages and then delight in showing me how far down I was in her messages when we met up. There was one time when we were meant to be meeting up and she didn’t message back to confirm the time we were meeting. I just had to turn up and hope she’d be there, which she was, typing on her phone as she was walking towards me.

Another time when we were out she asked what I’d do if one of my friends called and said they needed my help. I said that it’d depend on what it was, because I was already out with her, but that if it was urgent I’d probably have to check it out. She said pretty smugly that she’d go no matter if it was urgent or not, immediately, without question. I still don’t get the point of this hypothetical question, all it really seemed to do was put me down and make it clear that she’d leave any second if she felt like it. A few times actually if I wanted to do something she didn’t fully approve of she’d threaten to leave or never speak to me again.

She called me a pushover, pretty much out of nowhere and then got upset when I challenged her on it. If I told her about things I wanted to do or achieve, she’d tell me there was no point because they were never going to happen. We did an activity once where part of it meant that we had to write our names on a chalkboard to keep score. We were in a group so this was in front of other people, people who we didn’t know too. I stepped up to write our names on it and she stepped in front of me. She said “your handwriting is shit, it’s like a child’s, you’re not doing it, I am”. I shrugged her off and kept walking towards the chalkboard. She said “if you write our names on there, I’m not talking to you for the rest of the time we’re out”. I went ahead and wrote our names on the chalkboard anyway, maybe her not talking for the rest of the time would’ve given me some relief. I went back over to talk to her about why she was upset and she said “stop looking at me, it’s weird”. The other people in the group kept looking over because she was saying all of this out loud and it was incredibly humiliating. Humiliation was a huge part of it, shouting at me and belittling me in front of other people, as well as criticising me a lot. The criticisms would be directed at every aspect of me and would be incredibly hurtful, hitting away at my confidence bit by bit.

Reading all of this back and with people knowing the type of person I am, it is shocking that I put up with all of that. But the fact of the matter is that I did. Me and this girl shared incredibly personal things with each other and I did end up caring for her quite a bit. The most confusing part of it all was the nature of each meet up, the negative part, followed by a positive part, followed by a brutally negative part and then finishing off with some positivity that stopped me from cutting it off altogether. Obviously if she just acted obnoxious and aggressive all of the time it would’ve been a lot easier to notice the warning signs and end it as soon as I could. It was the fact that a lot of this came after we had got to know each other and had a laugh with each other. I really couldn’t reconcile the nice side of her with the nastier, colder side that seemed to enjoy humiliating me and putting me down. Every snarky comment and negative assertion seemed to be followed up with something positive, which would then be followed by something really negative. It worked in a really vicious cycle and that made it so difficult to work out how to deal with it on my own seeing as I had become so emotionally invested.

One of the most difficult things about a toxic friendship/relationship is that usually they’re not bad all of the time. That’s what makes it so challenging to get to the point where you’re actually able to recognise the toxic nature of them. In amongst all of the times my appearance, abilities and confidence would be put down, there were good times as well. Those good times would always stop me just as I felt like leaving in the middle of us hanging out together and they’d always make me consider that I was possibly over reacting to those negative moments. Maybe they were just typical? Maybe it was something I just needed to get used to or put up with? It took getting past these questions and excuses to fully address what was happening and to truly realise how damaging trying to maintain this friendship was to myself and my mental health.

As much as this girl did treat me pretty poorly, there were also aspects of myself that I needed to work on. I needed to stop looking outside of myself for validation. I needed to stop making excuses for her poor treatment of me. I needed to wake up a little and realise that this wasn’t a normal or healthy situation. I don’t blame myself for trying to work through this, because it was someone that I felt quite good about. And as I said, there were good times as well, although that seemed to add to the confusion and hurt that I eventually left the friendship with. I have the tendency to self analyse, a lot. I look back and think over situations, wondering what I could have said and done, which all of us do to a certain extent, but around that time mine was at a level where it was incredibly extreme. So whenever she would say something negative about me, or knock away some of my confidence, I’d let her. I think that was because there was a part of me that wondered if she was right and if how she was acting towards me was my fault. I now know that simply wasn’t the case. Nothing I could’ve said or done would’ve changed anything. No matter what I tried it was never good enough to be able to get away without taking a barrage of verbal abuse. I came away from each meet up feeling as though I had ripped off a piece of me and given it to her. Which sounds over dramatic, but it’s the only way I can really sum it up.

It eventually reached a breaking point. We met up in town to go and do some sort of activity. Before I’d even got into town to meet her, I’d already received a text from her telling me that she was in a shitty mood. Nice one. When we were walking across town to the place, she did nothing but complain about where we were going to. I was working on a short film for a refugee charity at the time, so I tried to switch the conversation towards that and she told me not to talk to her about it or show the film to her because she didn’t care for charity. I honestly felt like just walking away then, I already felt an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach and my shoulders dropping as I began to sink into myself. Then we finally got to the place and there was a bit of a change. The usual pattern set in where we started to click and get along, which started me thinking about why I liked her so much again.

Then it reached the end of the time slot we had booked in. She said she was happy that it was over because she could go home. She was also really rude to a member of staff there which was one of the things that turned me completely against meeting her again, because it’s just utterly uncalled for. Then at the tram stop, she told me that she could only handle spending time with me in small doses and that I was on neutral ground with her, because her good ground was ‘reserved for people she likes and actually goes out of her way to see’. I was on the verge of standing up and walking off to get a taxi home when the tram turned up. Again, the usual thing happened, once we got onto the tram she was pretty nice and mentioned about the next time we were going to meet up. I got off the tram at my stop, went home and as soon as I got in I immediately felt sick. I felt really warm, tired and didn’t eat anything after getting in. It was like I had been properly drained of all of my energy. I felt slightly embarrassed about how much it hit me, but then again to avoid the fact would be to fail in accepting that this kind of thing can and does happen. The next morning I woke up and felt even worse, I still didn’t want to eat and I struggled to work up the motivation to get out of bed. The girl was still messaging me that morning, but I felt so bad that I had to tell my friends just how depressed and drained I was feeling.

I think what actually helped in the end is that before this happened I actually hadn’t met up with her for a while, which allowed me to notice the contrast between how I felt after spending time with other people and how I felt after spending time with her. My friends knew I’d been out with her the previous evening and one of them finally asked the question I’d been too scared to ask myself – “do you think this is because you’ve spent time with her?”. We got into talking about it and both that friend and all of my other friends told me that her behaviour was unacceptable as I began to open up about it. I told them about what had been going on. It brought out a flood of emotion, I knew from that point on that I had to tell her how I felt and that I probably had to end it there. I messaged her, letting her know that what she’d said and how she’d treated me had made me feel pretty low. Her response? She came back and accused me of trying to ‘guilt trip’ her and threatened not to speak to me anymore. It was over for me then. In the past I would’ve fallen for this, apologised and blamed myself. But it was time to break the cycle. I responded back calmly and set out the boundaries, stood up for myself and then blocked her from everything. In the days and weeks ahead I’d contemplate messaging her but I fought against the instinct every time, knowing that once this difficult bit was out of the way I would be better off in the long run.

If you feel drained or down after spending time with someone, it might be useful to look into or think about why that might be. If someone is constantly making you feel negative about yourself or making you feel that you’re not enough, then you ultimately need to consider whether or not it’s worth putting time and effort into that relationship from your end. But I know from my own experience that it can be a difficult thing to do, especially if you have feelings for that person which can further complicate the situation as well. There were other issues around the time for me personally that meant this situation hit me even harder. I wouldn’t solely blame this girl for the way I was feeling around then, but it certainly didn’t help. Things aren’t black and white and relationships with others can often be complicated. Being around someone like that and dealing with that negativity really drained me and for a long time it prevented me from completely recovering and getting back to the mindset I knew it was most healthy for me to be in. I look back at pictures of myself from back then now and I can actually see the lack of confidence behind my eyes. I remember speaking to people I loved speaking to but feeling weak and on edge, I didn’t feel like myself at all. I still get edgy about messages now a little bit, so my phone’s on silent most of the time – another side effect from the situation. Messages from her used to come through and I’d never know if they’d be positive or extremely cutting and negative.

Now it’s been a while since I ended this friendship and the time and distance is there. It’s in the past for me now. I got properly into my MA Film Studies course and spent a lot of time with people who appreciated me for who I am and supported me in a positive way. I spoke a lot more to my closest friends who helped me through it all and reminded me of what a healthy friendship really is. My focus now is more towards relationships that have positive aspects to them. I’m not saying that friendships or relationships are never or should never be challenging or hard, but they shouldn’t be THAT challenging or hard. There’s a difference between a relationship where there’s negotiation and compromise and one where you’re constantly having to excuse abusive behaviour in order to enjoy the good parts of it. I’ve worked on being able to set boundaries in every type of relationship now, I know where my lines are and I’m happy to draw them. I have things that I will accept and things that I won’t. As much as the situation was a horrible one to be in, I wish the girl all the best and hope that she can move on herself from the toxic patterns of behaviour. I don’t know if she realises what she did or if me having to cut her off even registered with her at all. We did actually have some pretty good times together, but I couldn’t do it anymore. I feel grateful for my friends who helped guide me away from it and realise that I should be pursuing something better, or maybe even pursuing nothing at all. You don’t need another person to validate you. If you’re feeling like this sounds familiar, talk to friends, family or even a professional detached from the situation and get that outside perspective on it. It might just help to break the cycle and put you on your way to more positive and healthy relationships that don’t drain you so emotionally. It’s what each and every one of us deserves.

Thanks for reading – Tom.